Sasa @ Chinese Massage 532 King Street Newtown

[James Dean]

Chinese Remedial Massage
532 King Street (This is the sister shop of 501 King Street.)
Newtown
Phone: 95503822

Rates: $30/30 min and $50/60 min.

G’day Mates

This is a review of ‘New’ Sasa.

To make sense of this review I need to explain a few things.

If I were to describe myself I would do so in the following way

I have diamonds in my eyes,
Rocks in my head and
Pebbles in my pants.

What does that mean? It means I always try to get beyond the mundane, but in seeking greater objectives fall flat on my face.

Let me give you two examples.

As I have mentioned in other reviews my Dad, Alvaricio Dean, used ot take me to the car showrooms to see the latest models when they came out. When I was about 17 and after we had gone to a Ford and a Chevrolet dealerships, the following interaction occurred:

Dad: Jim, what would you prefer a Chevrolet or a Ford?
James: I’d like a Lamborghini.
Dad: I’m not talking about Italian food.
James: It’s a car Dad.
Dad: Really. How did you know that?
James: Which President appears on a $1,000 bill?
Dad: How would I know that?
James: It’s Grover Cleveland.
Dad: How did you know that?
James: I think big and you think small potatoes bub.
Dad: You think stupid. AND DON’T CALL ME BUB!

Now, I have never had a Lamborghini, nor have I held a $1,000 bill in my hand. I wanted both but have had neither. Get the picture?

Let me give you a punting example. No matter what, I always want to have the receptionist in any establishment. Why? I think I am getting something others are not.

For years at 501 I have wanted to get Miko into the massage room and folks I have struck out a thousand times. That makes me more determined, but alas Miko is a human equivalent of the Lamborghini.

Now here’s the strange bit. I have learned usually you can’t get the receptionist and hence I use that as a excuse to walk when I don’t see a lady that turns me on. It places receptionist in an awkward spot. If she gets pissed off she knows that she could ‘keep me there’ by simply offering herself for service.

Sometimes I have got stuck with reception and hence have screwed some of the fattest, oldest and ugliest women on earth. In other words, on the rare occasions I got what I wanted it was like ashes in my mouth.

So a pattern emerges for me. I look to the stars while I am falling down a mineshaft.

This brings us to New Sasa.

Let me just say a few things about ‘Old’ Sasa. Old Sasa was part of the golden times at 501. She and her sister JoJo really knew how to massage and folks the extras were the mother lode. They were both pretty and good back walkers and. Like Alice, Richie and others, I miss them. Both were very friendly and Sasa was worth her weight in gold. Old Sasa married a dentist and lived happily ever after. With old Sasa you could go in with 6 months of arthritic pain and come out again as sprite as a spring chicken.

When I saw New Sasa I felt like I had hit pay dirt. “Now I have the massage equivalent of the Grover Cleveland bill”, I thought. What I wound up with was counterfeit and potentially dangerous to my health..

New Sasa, like Old Sasa, is very pretty. Early to mid 20’s, B cups.. That’s where the resemblance ends. She has absolutely no massage skill. With me she spent most of the time on my back digging into it with her elbows. It felt like she was trying to separate my vertebra and sever my spinal cord. With New Sasa you walk in feeling great and walk out with slightly more mobility than a cadaver.

There was no chemistry between us. Here is a sample of an interaction.

James: What part of China are you from?
Sasa: It’s a secret.
James: A secret?
Sasa: You speak English don’t you?

Sasa’s poor ‘massage’ was matched perfectly to her horrible handjob. She wrapped her left hand around the base of my willy and with the thumb and forefinger of her right hand under willy’s head, moved the limp fellow up and down. I guess you would call this ‘the bicycle pump routine’. I guess she figured if you pump up and down on a bicycle pump the tyre will inflate and if you pump up and down on a cock in will enlarge. IT MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!

I Jamesed myself off and left. I had 15 minutes left in my hour session, but was glad to see the back of her.

Don’t pick new Sasa if you want to remain mobile and dick functional.

Well, I’ve got to go now bub.

See you again soon.

Until that time . . . until that time.

James